Just Don't Pop The Top

Bill Bramanti of South Chicago Heights, Illinois, wants to be buried with the one he loves, so he had a coffin made that looks like a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. While he's waiting to need it he's going to use it as a cooler. Now if he could only convince five other members of the family to do the same thing they could link the coffins with plastic bands and bury them as a six-pack.

Acid Flashback

Albert Hoffman, the man who discovered LSD, died recently. He was 102. Steve Jobs is still alive. He's 53. Evil spawn? Doppelgänger? Bad acid flashback? Or just a genetic coincidence?

Take The Pedal Off The Metal

With U.S. gas prices hitting $4.00 a gallon and oil hitting a new high of $120 per barrel, everyone wants to save gas. The hypermiling movement claims you can double your gas mileage by doing things like pumping up your tires to the maximum rating, using lower viscosity oil, and pretending you're Lance Armstrong and drafting behind other cars on the highway. One guy says he gets 71 mpg from his Honda Insight by "pulsing and gliding" — accelerating then turning the engine off and coasting until he hits 15 mph, when he turns the engine back on and accelerates again. Other good methods include leaving the car in the driveway, walking, and siphoning gas from the neighbor's car.

We're Number One!

- A poll finds that President Bush is the "most unpopular president in American history." Now he can legitimately roll out the Mission Accomplished sign.

- A study in the journal Pediatrics says American children take anti-psychotic meds at about six times the rate of kids in the U.K. You can't say we're not competitive.

- A Japanese high school team asked that the baseball game be called because they were losing 66-0. And it was only the second inning. Officials agreed and pared it back to a modest 9-0 win. Saving face is important in Japan.

Toot Sweet

A French doctor says his compatriots would be healthier if they'd fart, burp, and sweat more. In his book Le Grand Ménage, Frédéric Saldmann claims that retaining gas is harmful to the intestines, increases the risk of hiatal hernia — which almost a third of French people have, and increases the chances of getting cancer. He also recommends chewing less gum, not eating while walking, cutting back on carbonated beverages, and not believing everything you read in books.

Now Everybody Walk

Soon Sweden will be the first country to have equal opportunity traffic signals. The government has told the the National Road Administration to design new pedestrian crossing signs so towns can have the option of showing a woman crossing the street as well as a man. Or instead of. Hey, we wouldn't want anyone to be unsure of whether the sign pertains to them, now would we? They might as well draw up another design while they're at it, there's no way the LGBT crowd will sit still for being left out. I mean, how's a cross dressing street crosser supposed to know when it's his/her turn?

Tune In, Turn On, Drop Dead

Albert Hofmann, the scientist who in 1938 discovered lysergic acid diethylamide-25 — that's LSD, or acid, to you — died Tuesday at the age of 102. Let the flashbacks begin.

...And Naveed Can Kick Ken's Butt Too

Iranian Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi has said that Barbie must be stopped, calling the doll "destructive culturally and a social danger." He's probably upset because the modestly dressed dolls the country introduced in 2002, Dara and Sara, haven't caught on and Barbie is still more popular, even though you have to buy her on the black market. Hey, he really should calm down and count his blessings that Bratz haven't made the scene there yet.

Now You See It, Now You Don't

Thirteen men suspected of being sorcerers have been arrested in Congo because they supposedly shrunk or stole men's penises. People were so alarmed that listeners to radio call-in shows were being advised to be wary of passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings, particularly those holding rulers, asking if by any chance you need a new penis, or saying "Hey, want to see a cool magic trick?"

There's No IM in Essay

OMG! r u ready 4 this? A kEwL study by the Pew Internet and American Life Project ;-) found that 2/3 of teenz use emoticons (:-o) and other informal styles (lol) in their sk00l writing assignments. b4 u no it, grammar will b dead! And btw, I'm not j/k.

Tomorrow Is Another Day (But Get Your Tickets Now)

A musical version of Gone With the Wind opened in London on Wednesday night. Amazingly, it got terrible reviews. Could it be the role reversal of having a British Rhett and an American Scarlett this time around? Or rhyming "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies" with "I miss my life when it wasn't so crazy"? Maybe it's time to let movies be movies and open a — dare I say it? — original musical stage play that's not based on anything.

Oh Go Ahead, Supersize It

While most fast food chains are pushing their 99-cent menu, Burger King is launching an £85 — that's US$168 — burger in London made with Kobe beef and garnished with foie gras and a rare blue cheese instead of ketchup and a vaguely cheddar-like substance. Actually, for that money they'd better be using bleu cheese. And the burger should be served by Kobe Bryant. Don't bother supersizing it unless you're prepared to fill out a loan application.

Well Done, Mediums

British fortune-tellers, psychics, and mediums marched on the home of British prime minister Gordon Brown Friday, delivering a petition signed by 5,000 people as a protest against a new law they say could lead to them being "persecuted and prosecuted." There's little question the law will be repealed. After all, why would they even bother protesting unless they already foresaw that their efforts would be successful?

Who Says Models Aren't Animated?

The June issue of Japanese Vogue will feature a spread showing Dior's autumn and winter collection, all worn by a new model — Hello Kitty. Not only will she be wearing the clothes, she'll be posing with designer John Galliano and followed around Paris when she goes on a shopping spree. Not to be outdone, Dora The Explorer is on her way to Milan for a runway show and Thomas The Tank Engine has been signed by the Ford Modeling Agency.

The Age Old Question Of Happiness

A study by a sociologist at the University of Chicago found that the happiest Americans are the oldest, with 33% of 88-year-olds saying they're very happy versus only 24% of the grumpy, angst-filled, emo-listening 18-to-20-year-olds. Interestingly, it turns out the odds of being happy increase 5% with every 10 years of age, so if the Counting Crows live to be 227 they should be in the mood to put out a moderately happy CD.

Go Ahead, Name Him Damien

According to the U.S. Census Bureau's best estimate, the population of the world will hit 6,664,737,085 on May 1st and 6,671,275,141 a month later. That means that sometime during May, somewhere in the world, person number 6,666,666,666 will be born. I don't know about you, but I've seen Rosemary's Baby, The Omen, and Scary Movie. I'm nervous.

Happy Birthday Dear Bennnnneeee!

George Bush held a birthday party at the White House yesterday for Pope Benedict XVI, complete with a 21-gun salute, the Marine Band, and 9,000 of the pope's closest American friends. Today the pope will meet privately with the president, when it's expected he'll ask Bush to please stop calling him Bennie and asking how the Jets are.

Take That!

An Internet campaign has been started in China calling for a boycott of the French retail store Carrefour — known as Jialefu and very popular in China — to retaliate for the Paris protests during the Olympic torch relay and French President Nicolas Sarkozy's saying he might not attend the opening ceremony of the Olympics. If it happens, don't be surprised to see the French boycott Chinese food, which will cause the Chinese to outlaw French poodles and stop saying "Ooh la la." Then the French will change the name of crêpe de Chine to crepe de Freedom, the Chinese will stop eating French toast which they don't eat anyway, and the French will outlaw fortune cookies which are an American invention. Finally they'll both stop their foolishness and band together against the English, who they both dislike.

Roll Way Over Beethoven

Mariah Carey's song, Touch My Body, is her 18th to reach No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart, meaning she's beat out Elvis Presley for having the most No. 1 singles and is second only to the Beatles. In other news, hell froze over, pigs flew, and the check actually is in the mail.

Damn You Orville and Wilbur!

The airline industry is a mess. American Airlines has cancelled 1,000 flights so they can check the wiring. Aloha and ATA have gone out of business. Frontier has filed for bankruptcy. And United just raised their prices up to $30 per round trip, meaning it will cost as much as $130 more for a domestic round-trip ticket now than it did the first week of January. Is it the recessi...I mean, economic downturn? Or the price of oil? According to President Bush it's neither, and everything is hunky dorey. "Had the Wright brothers stayed in Ohio and just fixed bicycles like they should have we wouldn't be in this mess today." Yeah. What he said.