Doggy Style

Going Ape Over Underwear

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 18:19:00 +0000

Aussiebum, the Australian swimwear company that offers men's underwear that releases a chemical to make you feel refreshed and another pair that's designed to make you look, uh, larger, has come out with Banana, white underwear made of 64% cotton, 9% Lycra, and 27% banana fiber. Seriously. So now they offer two styles for those who don't have enough in their underwear.

There Ain't No Def In Deficit

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 17:25:00 +0000

The Treasury Department announced that the federal government posted its largest deficit on record during February, with spending outstripping revenue by a whopping $221 billion. This comes to $719.85 per person in the country. Oddly, that's also the exact amount the bank says my personal deficit was in February too.

Going For The Gold

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 18:19:00 +0000

The Winter Olympics in Vancouver are over and all the medals have been given out. Maybe. It seems there's one more that may need to be awarded—Most Condoms Used at an Olympic games. While condoms have been handed out since the 1992 Summer Olympics in Barcelona, this year Vancouver Coastal Health gave out 100,000 of them, 40,000 of which were passed out in the athlete villages. Considering 6,500 people were staying in those villages, that's 15 per person. Talk about endurance, stamina, and going for the gold!

Choco-News

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:19:00 +0000

Researchers from the University of Warwick in England have unveiled the world's first eco-race car, a Formula 3 model that can go from zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds and hit a top speed of 135 miles per hour while running on leftover chocolate, carrots, potato starch, and flax. Meanwhile, a Harvard University professor has created Le Whif, an inhaler that gives you a quick snort of chocolate without the calories, sticky fingers, or taste. Now if they'd only get together we could have a race car that runs on chocolate inhalers or snortable flax for those who want to race to the bathroom.

I'll Take Serial Killer Number Two

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 18:43:00 +0000

Rodney Alcala had a moment of fame years before his recent conviction for murdering four women and a child. It turns out that back in 1979 he was Bachelor No. 1 on "The Dating Game," where host Jim Lange introduced him by saying he was, "A successful photographer who got his start when his father found him in the dark room at the age of 13, fully developed. Between takes you might find him skydiving or motorcycling." No mention of serial killing. Contestant Cheryl Bradshaw chose him, but later decided not to go out with him. Smart move. Within months he abducted and murdered a 12-year-old girl, the first of his victims. Hey, it could have been worse. She might have chosen Bachelor No. 2 or Bachelor No. 3—Ted Bundy and Hannibal Lechter.

If I Only Had A Brain

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 16:54:00 +0000

In an interview on the Today Show to plug his new book, “Courage and Consequence: My Life as a Conservative in the Fight," former presidential adviser Karl Rove told Matt Lauer, "I wasn't George Bush’s brain." And to think, it was him or nothing.

And What Did You Do Over Winter Break?

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:26:00 +0000

The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating audio tapes of the control tower at JFK airport made during winter break in which a child's voice can be heard directing pilots and clearing a plane for takeoff. The voice is later heard to ask how many planes have to take off before he can get to the next level, whether anyone has a computer he can use so he can search for a cheat that will unlock some weapons, and commenting that "Halo is much more fun."

Maybe It Will Help To Go To Sleep A Millisecond Earlier

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 17:38:00 +0000

As if the impending change to Daylight Savings Time isn't enough to throw off your internal clock and make you want to hit the snooze button, word comes from a scientist at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory that the recent 8.8 earthquake in Chile shortened the length of a day by 1.26 milliseconds. According to my calculations, another 68,571,428 earthquakes like that and our day will shrink to nothing and vanish. Take that, Einstein!

Clean Air, Clean Water, Clean Speech, Dammit!

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 16:33:00 +0000

The California state Senate is set to vote today on a resolution that would designate the first week of March as "Cuss Free Week" in the state. Already passed by the Assembly, the measure would go into effect immediately—without a swearing in ceremony, of course— and become an annual event. Participation is encouraged but not required, it doesn't specify which words are considered cusses and which aren't, and if they don't have the balls to pass the damn thing they're nothing but a bunch of @*%!#^!&# wusses.

I Love What You Do For Me - Toyota!

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 18:44:00 +0000

Yes, And Hannibal Lechter Had Issues

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 17:05:00 +0000

Not everyone is down on Tiger Woods. Chris Brown, still on a downhill slide after assaulting then-girlfriend Rihanna, told a radio show host, “His personal life is his personal life. Nobody has the right to place judgment or make any judgment on somebody else’s personal life when they’re not directly involved with them.” Talk about the pot calling the kettle blackballed.

I Beg To Differ With The Esteemed #@!(%#! From Colombia

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 16:49:00 +0000

A presidential shouting match erupted at a private luncheon for heads of state who were attending the "Latin American and Caribbean Unity Summit" being held in Cancun on Monday, with Hugo Chavez of Venezuela and Alvaro Uribe of Colombia calling each other names and using obscene language. Cuban President Raul Castro had to intervene, telling the peckerheads that it was a freakin' unity conference and to stop being dicks.

Reader's Digest Condensed Bankruptcy

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 20:55:00 +0000

The publisher of Reader's Digest has emerged from Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection and in condensed version, no less—they did it in less than six months and now have a lot less debt. All they need now is more bathrooms to put the magazine in.

Do You Solemnly Arf to Tell The Meow, The Whole Oink, And Nothing But The Moo?

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 17:24:00 +0000

Voters in Switzerland will go to the polls on March 7 to vote on whether every canton should be required to appoint a dedicated public prosecutor to represent the interests of pets and farm animals in court, much like the case two weeks ago when lawyer Antoine F. Goetschel of Zurich represented a dead fish in court, accusing a fisherman of having tortured the pike because it took 10 minutes to haul it into the boat. When asked to comment, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom said, "Damn. Why didn't I think of that?"

Illegal Tender

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 17:58:00 +0000

South Carolina, the state that thanks to Governor Mark Sanford, the most babbling Miss Teen USA ever, and allowing guns to be purchased tax-free last Thanksgiving weekend to kick off holiday sales, has wrested the title of Most Fun State You Don't Want to Live In away from Florida. Now, just to make sure no other state can even think about toppling them, state Representative Mike Pitts introduced a bill in the state legislature to ban the use of Federal Reserve Notes and replace them with gold and silver coins. In response, the Treasury Department is recommending that South Carolina be banned and replaced by Puerto Rico.

It's Even Better When It's Prepared Cat-cciatore

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 18:39:00 +0000

Beppe Bigazzi, who's been a star of the popular Italian cooking show La Prova del Cuoco for ten years, has been suspended indefinitely for telling viewers how tasty cooked cat can be. “I've eaten it myself and it’s a lot better than many other animals,” he said while discussing casserole of cat, a dish he said was famous in his home region of Tuscany. He did advise viewers that if they're going to try making it, the meat should be “soaked in spring water for three days” before being stewed. That's ridiculous! Everyone knows cat's much better when braised, though it's a lot of trouble since you have to cook it nine times.

Resurrect The Planet For Lent

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 18:07:00 +0000

It may only be for 40 days, but some British Bishops are convinced that instead of giving up things like chocolate, Cokes, and haggis on rye for Lent, people should go on a "carbon fast" that will help save the planet. At the top of the list is giving up your iPod or cellphone to save electricity, but considering most people couldn't give up their iPod or cellphone for 40 minutes, much less days, they also suggest you eat by candlelight, cut meat and vegetables thinner so they cook faster, and flush the toilet less often. Additional ideas include giving up showering, whale hunting, and ozone-depleting flatulence.

Would You Like A One Hump Burger Or A Two Hump Burger?

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 22:36:00 +0000

A story from the Xpress weekly says a restaurant in Dubai has added a quarter pound camel burger to the menu, making it the first in the United Arab Emirates to offer the delicacy. The restaurant claims the patties are fat- and cholesterol-free, which makes it healthy until they add the cheese and burger sauce. It comes with a side of potato wedges and, according to the paper "it could be washed down with a soft drink or a camel milkshake." Let's hope they mean camel milk shake.

Elect Sybil—They'll All Work For You

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 18:44:00 +0000

When a Swedish newspaper asked parliament member Fredrick Federley why he went on an all expenses paid trip to the Canary Islands in January that was sponsored by ten companies including Norwegian airline when he'd previously said he wouldn't accept offers from the airline industry, he replied, "Well, this was pretty much tied to my drag personality, Ursula. It's not me as a member of parliament doing this; it's more a case of me travelling as my drag personality." Swedish voters are waiting to find out what his other personalities do while he's in office.

Is It Okay If I'm Just Bored To Serious Injury?

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 17:41:00 +0000

An article published in the International Journal of Epidemiology says you can, in fact, be bored to death. Two researchers from University College London found that the more bored you are, the more likely you are to die early, a fact borne out by the number of people who keeled over before finishing the article.

It Gives New Meaning To Puppy Love

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 17:18:00 +0000

A poll by Reuters/Ipsos of 24,000 people in 23 countries found that 21% of adults would rather spend Valentine's Day with their pet than their spouse. This in spite of the fact that not a single one of their pets had ever given them a dog-earred store bought card, box of fattening candy, or the last flowers left on the rack at Safeway.

This Is Your Captain Speaking. I Will Now Turn The A/C On Super High.

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 23:51:00 +0000

Beginning May 1, American Airlines will start charging $8 for a pillow and blanket in coach on domestic flights as well as those to and from Canada, Mexico, Hawaii, the Caribbean, and Central America. The blue fleece blanket and inflatable neck pillow come in a clear zippered pouch that will be delivered by a flight attendant to your seat. Well, providing you paid extra so you can sit during the flight.

And We'll Serve Your Fish And Chips On Chinet®

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 16:50:00 +0000

In an attempt to avert 87,000 pub brawl injuries involving broken glass and $4.2 billion in health care costs each year, Britain's Home Secretary announced that Britons would stop their binge drinking. Just kidding. Actually he unveiled a shatter-proof pint beer glass which he hopes "will bring an end to these attacks." Once the glasses are in common use and drunk Britons return to the good old days of punching and using knives, the government plans to issue padded boxing gloves and rubber knife-tips to patrons as they enter pubs.

It's Like Disneyworld With A Swedish Accent

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 18:01:00 +0000

If you're one of those people who own all of ABBA's records, listen to them daily, and have watched "Mamma Mia" so many times you no longer have any friends, you should jet to London and visit ABBAWORLD. That's right, there are 25 rooms—over 30,000 glorious sq ft!—full of ABBA-bilia, including costumes, a recreation of their recording studio, even the helicopter from the cover of the "Arrival" album. You can take interactive quizzes, remix their records, and of course buy everything in the gift shop. If it's successful, look for Phase II to include a full fledged theme park, with rides like the Dancing Queen, which is like Dance Dance Revolution in drag, the Fernando bullfighting ride, and the Waterloo, which will make you feel defeated and be the last ride you ever go on. Go ahead, take a chance on them!

Ain't Nothin' Like The Real Haggis

noreply@blogger.com (Mad Dog) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 18:47:00 +0000

According to the BBC, the U.S. government is looking to allow Scotland's famous offal—or is that spelled awful?—hash, haggis, to be imported into the country for the first time in 21 years. Banned during the Great Mad Cow Disease Hysteria of 1989, it's made from the heart, liver, and lungs of a sheep, all stuffed into a sheep's stomach and cooked. Most of it's kosher—well, in a non-religious context anyway—it's the lung part that makes it illegal to import. While American versions exist that are made without lung, according to haggis producer Fraser MacGregor of Cockburn's in Dingwall, it "isn't haggis," which in a nutshell answers the age-old question: What's the difference between haggis and Alpo?